Monthly Archives: February 2012

Radio Edits Need to Be Outlawed

For me, it is an extremely deflating feeling to be excited about finding a song I’ve been waiting to come to iTunes only to have that song cut out unexpectedly when it’s time to utter the first supposed curse words. I do not understand radio edits. The Christian Fundamentalists in this country can have radio shows condemning and demonizing gay people for wanting to get married, but I can’t find a version of “Soul Survivor” by Young Jeezy f. Akon that is uncensored. It just doesn’t make sense. Oh no! Akon used the “F” word! I’m so ashamed!

For me, limiting an artist’s right to express him or herself is not only the most abhorrent form of censorship, but it’s one step closer to tyranny in “Our Great Nation.-” a step which we can ill afford as we are dangerously close already.

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Third Eye Blind-Probably One of the Best You’re Not Listening To

If you’re reading this and you’re in your late twenties like I am, you can probably remember the above captioned band’s song “Semi-Charmed Life” You know, it’s the one that goes “do do DO, do do do DOOOOOOO.” Yeah. That one. If you were alive and capable of conscious memory in 1997, there is no way you haven’t heard that song.

While that was and is their biggest hit, I fear that this band’s talent was overshadowed by “Semi-Charmed Life.” True, in 1999, they did enjoy another hit with with “Jumper” but it was not the same as their previous hit. The bottom line is, Third Eye Blind is underrated. Third Eye Blind is VERY underrated. I think that the mass appeal of “Semi Charmed Life” attracted so many fringe fans that they did not have a chance to showcase their very unique talents. While I was and am a Matchbox 20 fan, Third Eye Blind is every bit as good as Matchbox 20 and, yet, they do not get the same attention and fanfare that they’ve enjoyed. Indeed, I would argue that Third Eye Blind may even have the edge compared to Matchbox 20 because Third Eye Blind is so great at the uptempo stuff as well as the soft, introspective pieces.

If you haven’t listened to Third Eye Blind, go get some of their stuff. And don’t just stop at “Semi Charmed Life” and “Jumper.” Listen to their more obscure pieces and you’ll be impressed. If you’re not impressed, I’m guessing you’re just being contrarian, don’t have a good ear for music, or really just in possession of an unrefined musical palate.


Classy, Adele, Real Classy

I knew I hated Adele for reasons other than just the fact that she is an oversized, disgusting, shameful, putrid ludicrous, blight on humanity. I knew that I hated her for more reasons than just being devoid of any discernible talent, soul, or originality. Oh, and did I mention Adele is annoying? Adele, on behalf of myself and my (dozens of) readers, thank you for proving me right. Adele, when you flashed your oversized, pudgy, braunschweiger of a middle finger at James Corden and the audience at the Brit Awards simply for cutting your time short, you proved that not only are you a talentless hack, but also a classless piece of garbage.

Oh! How dare anyone cut the “great Adele”??? she has SOOOOOOO many great things to say!! Adele, go home and forget your troubles with 3 tubs of Chunky Monkey and two-dozen maple-bacon donuts like you always do. The producers had a job to do by adhering to their time constraint and, quite frankly, we’ve all had enough of you anyway. When the producers of the Brit Awards cut your time short, they displayed a humanitarian act of mercy so selfless that it would rival anything done by Mother Theresa, Princess Diana, or Jonas Salk. Adele, you’re fat, untalented, poorly dressed and you look frightful. You’re lucky anyone pays attention to you at all. Further, your album “21” is the sum total of all of your fans’ IQs.

By the way, congrats on your Brit Award, Adele!
XOXO


Game On, Shame On

Announcement: This is the first posting of “Game On, Shame On” which will hereafter be a forum wherein I give “kudos” to some facet of music (hence “Game On”) and a thumbs down (or, more to the point, middle fingers up) to another facet of music. If you don’t like this concept, there are probably a metric shit-ton of other blogs to read. If you do like this concept or still hate it but are compelled by your own hatred to continue reading it because I irritate you in such a milky-soft sort of way wherein you are simultaneously repulsed and enthralled (much like having a silkworm crawl on you) then you may continue to graze happily with my compliments.

Game On: Bruno Mars

Hot on the heels of probably the best Grammy performance I have ever seen (I hate the Grammys because they are pretty much a commercial for record labels but made a special point of catching his performance.) Bruno Mars has restored my faith in music. No! He has restored my faith in HUMANITY! Thank you, Bruno Mars for not being afraid to strain that voice to let us see your God-given talent and flout the prospect of using electronic means to give the incorrect assertion that you have talent like so many members of Maroon 5, Kanye Worst, and that cyborg who’s married to Jay-Z. Bruno Mars doesn’t need artificial means to show us he is talented. And he sure as hell doesn’t need more than one performance at the grammys to make me rethink my sexual orientation.

Shame On: The X-Factor

Screw you, Simon Cowell. I mean really, screw you. You are a vapid, oppressive, morass of cynicism and you make me ashamed to be human. You are a bilious curd in the creamer of entertainment and your every horrid emanation is more loathsome than the hissing of 1,000 writhing maggots. The way Simon Cowbell treated the gorgeous morsel of loveliness named Nicole Sherzinger was dreadful. She was the only bit of decency on The X-Factor and she was the only redeeming quality left on that show. Paula Abdul was pretty much a used-up burlap sack with some kind of speech impediment and the other idiot you saw fit to part ways with belongs in the Adam what’s-his-face from Maroon 5 category of people I won’t even bother to look up. Nicole Sherzinger at least appeared on the show as someone who had a shred of human decency and sweetness in the increasingly cutthroat and vile cesspool of the entertainment industry. Parting ways with her says a lot about Simon Cowell. My guess is that Simon offered Nicole Sherzinger the ol’ creamsicle and she refused it so she was consequently shown the door.


More Adele Hate

Watching a lovely episode of “The Office” (U.S. version) and I saw a commercial for Adele’s album “21.” Now, I’m not sure why Adele would use her dress size as an album title but, I digress.

In the commercial, a young woman was singing a song from Adele’s album. This young lady’s voice was beautiful. I’m not sure who the young lady is, but she outdid Adele on her own song, in a commercial for Adele’s own album. In my opinion, Adele should FedEx all of her ill-gotten Grammys directly to that young woman’s doorstep.

Don’t take my word for it, see for yourself:

It was after watching this ad that I realized what Adele lacks: SOUL. That woman has no soul. She is a cheap imitation of the great, soulful singers of our time. In a world that has already said goodbye to a talent like Whitney Houston, soulful singers with actual, God-given talent are becoming increasingly rare. Moreover, Adele and singers of her ilk are piss-poor substitutes.


Fergie and Adele: Fattest, Ugliest, Worst of All

Shopping at a big box retailer, I saw the face of the gelatinous mishmash of adipose tissue, lipids, and pork fat you might recognize as Adele on the cover of a magazine at the checkstand. I managed to suppress my gag reflex long enough to make it through my transaction and get back to my vehicle. However, I made the mistake of turning on my radio instead of opting for my iPod for God knows what reason. I was then assaulted by that “Imma Be” song that Fergie does which is probably the worst piece of garbage ever recorded. Then, the thought occurred to me:

Do I hate Fergie more, or do I hate Adele more?

The question is really apples and oranges. While I do hate Adele, it is only from a musical standpoint. Adele at least makes the effort (albeit a failure) to have some kind of depth. Fergie on the other hand, is a vapid, irrelevant, waste of carbon and I despise her very DNA. Borrowing a phrase from the movie “Due Date,” I hate Fergie on a cellular level. In my opinion, she is one of the worst blights perpetrated on the ears of unassuming music enthusiasts, massacring our perfectly innocent eardrums with her insipid caterwauling and has done so to the point that I hate the very fiber of who she is. Moreover, I think that The Hague should really take a serious look at putting Fergie’s parents on trial for Crimes Against Humanity for unleashing on us that disgusting, subhuman, freak who looks like a transvestite who got dressed in a hurry. I hate Fergie’s parents for having her. In all fairness, Fergie didn’t ask to be born. If she had, I hope her mother would have had the common sense to respond in the negative.

*Point of Information* The above is in reference to the Fergie whose real name is Stacy Ferguson and gyrates like a demonic possession victim on stage with the Black-Eyed Peas. I am NOT referring to Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, whose nickname is also Fergie. To be fair, the duchess had the nickname first and I love THAT Fergie. Then again, I’m a sucker for redheads.


It’s Enough Already, Adele

How many more awards does Adele have to win before before we go “Hands Across America?” It is no secret that I hate Adele. My post calling her an annoying, fat, slob, is by leaps and bounds my most read posting. This proves two things: a) it proves that many others think Adele is an annoying, fat, slob, and b) it shows that others like me are so appalled by her so-called “talent” and are frankly staggered that she has received so much fanfare. In my opinion, Adele does deserve fanfare, but not because she is a good singer. I have heard better sounds coming from the back end of Paul Sorvino after a bad Thai meal. No, Adele deserves fanfare because she is the last surviving Woolly Mammoth.