Monthly Archives: December 2011

The Cringe-Aptly Named, Indeed

Ahh the final post of 2011. And what better way to end the new year than with a little good music? Of course Auld Lang Syne should be mandatory on anyone’s playlist simply as a matter of principle. If you’re searching for good music, however, you should avoid any of the waste material that has been excreted by the alleged band “The Cringe.” Can you name any of their albums without looking at Wikipedia? Yeah, you’re probably like most people. I find it interesting that their name is “The Cringe” because “cringing” is exactly what I did when I sampled some of what they have the audacity to call music.

In my opinion, the proof that this pathetic excuse for a band made up of a haphazard hodgepodge of annoying, wannabe, weekend warriors, is the fact that John Cusimano (a.k.a. Mr. Rachael Ray) is their lead wailer. . .er. . I mean singer (in the loosest definition of the word “singer” I might add.) Don’t get me started on how much I hate Rachael Ray. However, it cannot be denied that the annoying, bubbly, disgusting, shameful, putrid, embarrassment to humankind has her own media empire. If her husband can’t get some airplay even when his wife can probably make one phone call and get his garbage music on the radio somewhere then, in my book, that is proof-positive that his band sucks. In my opinion, bands like this are an insult to the Ernie Ball guitar strings that they ruthlessly rape with their disgusting, untalented fingers.

Oh, and Happy New Year.


Video Game Music-Part Deux

As I mentioned in an earlier post (which can be easily accessed by clicking here ) I said that I might be inclined to post an update to the above captioned subject.  Well, you’re in luck-here is that update. Enjoy.

1. Super Mario All-Stars- This was a classic compilation of bestselling Mario games from Nintendo released for the SNES back in the early 90’s. The music in this game was the same as you’d expect for Mario games during the actual gameplay. However, in the selection screens for choosing which games you wanted to play, it really made me feel like I was at some kind of Hollywood award show for Mario games.

2. Maximum Carnage-Another early 90’s SNES release. However, the music on this was really cool. The opening screen featured a really heavy guitar riff that had sounded like the cutting edge hard rock that was popular during this time. I still think of this song and hum it to myself occasionally.

3. Mass Effect-I seem to be picking on early 90’s SNES releases so let me digress from that an tickle your fancy with a more contemporary item. I enjoyed the theme from the first Mass Effect game as well as the in-game ambient background music. It was the perfect kind of science fiction music and it totally captured the way I felt imagining myself in that immersive world. Mass Effect 2 had some decent music but it just didn’t have the “wow” that the first game’s music had.

4. Hitman: Blood Money-I’m a huge fan of the Hitman Franchise. This was the first series that actually incorporated music from a real orchestra by a respected composer. This particular entry into the series featured a young boy singing “Ave Maria” in the game’s main menu. The innocence of the singer of the song juxtaposed with the brutality of the game were a perfect dichotomy, much like the main character of the game who struggles between good and evil his entire life.

5. Ratchet and Clank Series-This franchise has some of the best music I’ve heard in any video game. All the way through the game there is this wonderful, electronic, futuristic sounding music that is perfect for a game set in outer space featuring a talking humanoid creature and a wisecracking little cyborg.

There you go. Five more entries for your own private elucidation or to be haphazardly pasted among all of your cyberspace peers. Given the flurry of attention that my previous post received, I think I will make this a regular offering. If you’re hungering for more, fret not; for there will be more to satiate your voracious appetite.

Re-Post: Chris Brown-“Forever”-2008

If you can take a break from your after-Christmas sales for a moment, I am hereby proffering this little blog as an outlet for your diversion. I am reposting today because in the immortal words of Bruno Mars, today I don’t feel like doing anything. Enjoy.
*repost begins*
We all know the self-proclaimed “Country boy from Tappahannock” could have had a bright career before he beat the hell out of Rihanna. Now he is nothing more than a bleached hair sideshow relegated to join entertainment industry titans like Verne Troyer and Brigitte Nielsen and share their fate of being spit down the reality tv pipes.

To take nothing away from the appeal he once enjoyed, “Forever” is actually an enjoyable piece. Sure it is heavily auto tuned and more machine than Darth Vader, but the lyrics are gentle and enchanting. A young man inviting a young woman to dance. No sexual overtones, no misogynistic lyrics. Simple, wholesome, entertaining.

Sadly, the allure of the song is lost by Chris Brown’s new image. Too bad,too-it could have been to this generation what Luther Vandross’s “Here and Now” was to the Gen X-ers.

Happy Christmas to All

As Bam Margera would say: “Merry Christmas, ya little jerks.”

Christmas Songs. . .THAT I LOVE

Since I posted about Christmas songs that I hate, I thought it only right to post a few songs that I love in the spirit of the holiday and to prove that I’m not an uptight, humorless, killjoy.  Well, not entirely anyway.  Oh well, graze on these and go back to stuffing sugar cookies down your piehole.  Or do it simultaneously but just remember to take small bites and chew carefully.

1.  Run Run Rudolph (Chuck Berry version)-I just love this song and the way Chuck Berry puts so much passion into his praise of Rudolph.  I also like that song because it’s one of the few Christmas songs that actually acknowledges Rudolph’s existence as one of Santa’s reindeer (aside from his self titled song, of course.)  Also, I love Chuck Berry so it’s kind of a “two birds, one stone” deal.

2. Little Drummer Boy-I love the Christmas songs that are actually about Jesus.  I’m not a Bible thumper or some religious nut, but I am a Christian and I do think that Christmas has gotten WAY too commercial.  In addition to that, I am also a drummer and I just think the image of an economically disadvantaged boy playing a song for The Savior is a sweet image.

3. Go Tell it on the Mountain-I love this song as long as it is the uptempo, Gospel version.  It has to be sung by a group of middle aged African-American ladies, preferably wearing brightly colored silk choir robes or, for me, it just doesn’t have the same effect. I’m as white as snow so I have seen firsthand how wrong it is when people who share my (lack of) skin color try to sing Gospel or Soul.

4. Christmas All Over Again-This is actually the only Tom Petty song I like.  I enjoy it because it perfectly  captures how I feel every year at Christmas.  Every black Friday  I think to myself: “here we go again, another month of craziness.” I like it because he talks about Christmastime as joyous but enervating.  This is exactly how I feel.

There.  Now no one can accuse me of being anti-Christmas music.  Suck on that, haters.

Pere Fouettard

Can Bruno Mars Save Music?

It’s no secret that I feel that there is a lot of garbage littering the music scene today.  If you’ve read the frantic and frenetic scribblings on this blog with any regularity, you know  how I feel about autotune, many of today’s artists, and their alleged talents.

Bruno Mars, on the other hand, is a delight.  I have fallen in love with his voice and think that his is a rare talent that comes along once in a generation.  For my money, Bruno Mars belongs among any of the great singers of our time.  Am I saying he is up there with Sinatra?  Not quite.  But you know what? He’s off to a hell of a start if that’s where he wants to end up.  I would argue that he could stand toe to toe with a Michael Buble or a John Mayer or (God help us) a Josh Groban. I think he could even be held in the same regard as many of Motown’s legends (Again, I said in the same regard as Motown’s legends, not quite there yet, however.)  Dare I say, he could fit right in with The Temptations if they were still an up and coming group today.  Moreover, I think a strong case could be made that he has eclipsed those three gentlemen I named earlier.

I have to admit that I swoon every time I hear Bruno Mars’s voice.  The way he strains his voice to hit every last note without cracking, the way his natural talent shows through and he shoves a proverbial middle finger in the face of artificial, electronic aids that help singers with less talent achieve similar results because he sure as hell needs no help-he can do it on his own.

I usually don’t bandy around phrases like “breath of fresh air” but I certainly think Bruno Mars qualifies for that title.  Indeed, he is a true gem and a real pleasure of mine. He has restored my faith in music.

Glee Blows

I am not sure why people love “Glee” so much.  Sure, Glee is a hit Fuchs television show.  Millions of annoying, wannabe, mouth-breathing, slack-jawed, room temperature IQ, village idiot, hipsters with their Yelp accounts and their candy shell iPhone cases, and their fake colored contact lenses love “Glee.”  Others engage in it as a guilty pleasure. This is further proof of society’s decline.  Granted, that is not to say that I wouldn’t love to meet Naya Rivera and/or Diana Agron and take them to bed and kiss them sweetly in many soft and private places (with their consent, of course.)  Lea Michele, on the other hand, is only slightly less masculine than that beastly she-male, Khloe Kardashian.

Glee in and of itself is not a bad show.  By osmosis, I have actually seen almost every episode because my better half happens to be a fan of said.  The reason I hate the show so much is that they are covering music.  As I have said previously if I may impose upon you to recall, I hate cover bands.  They are the lowest form of life.  Why take someone else’s work and recreate it as your own?  That requires no skill.  Anyone that would PAY to here a bunch of talentless hacks performing the work that someone else created is probably either mentally defective, or too stupid to realize that what they are even paying for is not original.  If Glee abandoned the cover music, I would be on board.  Otherwise, do your own work. Be like High School Musical (which is a suspiciously similar concept I might add) and make original music.  Shame on the cast of Glee for allowing themselves to get punked out and served by a bunch of pimply faced post-pubescent tweens.  dah dah dah dah daaaaaaaah GLEE! (sucks)

If you think I am just some random crackpot with a dissenting opinion, you’re wrong. Don’t take my word for it.  Visit this site and see for yourself.  Glee Sucks